User Beware
by Dude13
Summary: Or, why it's better to stick to indoor plumbing instead. [Oneshot]


**Author's Warning**: Like everything else, this takes place in my series, set up by the events in my first story "More Than My Friend" where the big event is that Frankie adopts Mac as her "little brother". If you haven't read that story yet, I strongly suggest you do so now, or else you might get confused.

* * *

The fact that Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends actually possessed a working outhouse in its sprawling backyard seemed to be a bit of an enigma at first glance. After all, the massive Victorian mansion did have indoor plumbing, meaning of course dozens upon dozens of fully functioning flushing toilets located in innumerous bathrooms scattered upon the house's many floors. So, what on earth was the use of a petite wooden shed built over a reeking hole in the ground when one could be inside within a minute's walk? 

Despite all that rationality had to say upon the subject however, there was still the indisputable fact that the toilet paper in the latrine had to be replaced every once in a while. This reality thus proved that since this was the case, then logic stated that the peculiar utility was far from being as completely useless as some claimed it to be.

Being the complete oddity that it was, though, meant that all those who chose to take their chances with it of course exposed themselves to a myriad of unique hazards. Also, even worse for a very select few, there were even a couple predicaments in which "bizarre" was miles away from even being able to vaguely describe the situation, as a certain imaginary friend was unfortunately being brutally forced to find out the hard way.

_THUD_!

"Open up!"

_THUD_!

"Unlock the door right this instant!"

_THUD_!

"This is your final warning, you miserable scoundrel, if you don't let me out right this instant…"

_THUD_!

Mr. Herriman grumbled darkly to himself as he pounded furiously upon the stubborn outhouse door, firmly locked shut from the outside due to some unknown rascal. For God's sake, couldn't a poor soul do _anything_ without being so brutally plagued by mischievous cretins? And of all places to have his privacy so horrendously violated, he had never encountered such flippant disregard in all his life. To think, someone actually had the gall to follow him and managed to jam the door shut while he…while he was actually….

The brazen injustice was far too much to bear. The seething rage boiled furiously within and surged through every ounce of his being as he began to pound anew upon the door like a rabbit possessed.

"I mean it, you miserable excuse for a wretch!" he thundered, his voice dripping thick with barely confinable fury. "When I get out of here, I'll be sure that you-"

_THWACK_!

The rabbit jumped a full foot in the air, nearly banging his head about the latrine ceiling as the sudden clamor nearly startled him out of his wits.

"What in the blazes is-"

_THWACK_! _THWACK_! _THWACK_!

As soon as comprehension dawned upon him, Mr. Herriman's already torrid anger instantly skyrocketed in response, nearly doubling twofold as he clenched his fists so tightly his fingers were about to tear clear through his palms.

"Cads! Knaves! Ruffians!" He bellowed, stomping his massive rabbit feet furiously in a little dance of rage. "So this is how you get your kicks? Hurling projectiles at an old latrine after mercilessly locking an innocent within? Oooooh, I swear, I'll-"

_THWACK_!

Another hefty rock thudded hard against the wooden walls, making it clear that the unknown mischief-maker had of yet to be even slightly intimidated by the furious roars and dark threats. In reality, the devious snickers and the unpleasant ruckus of another barrage of stones being carelessly thrown against the outhouse made it quite blatant that the anonymous miscreant was far from through with the imprisoned imaginary friend.

"_STOP IT_!" Mr. Herriman yelled as loudly as he could, nearly straining his lungs in the process. "You will desist right this instant, or I vow on everything sacred, you'll be praying for death by the time I'm through with you! Do you hear me? Bread and water at all meals! Menial and backbreaking chores from dusk to dawn! Every privilege conceivable, _gone_! You hear me? And I'm just barely getting started with what I'll do to you! Do you understand? I promise you, if you think for so much as one second that you'll be able to get away with this atrocity, then you're sorely mistaken, you rascal! I-"

Just as abruptly as it had started, the frenzied rant came to a sudden halt as Mr. Herriman realized that for the past few seconds he hadn't heard so much as a peep from his tormentor outside. Instinctively assuming that his fierce threats had done the trick, he folded his arms and nodded curtly in grim satisfaction.

"A wise choice, indeed." He commented out loud to his mysterious rogue. "Now, if you'd please just let me out of here, then maybe we'll be able to…to….um…"

Whatever compromise he had to offer, it was never known – he was simply too befuddled for speech by the sight of the green rubber tube being roughly inserted through the latrine's crescent-shaped door window.

"What on earth-_ACKPTH_!" he roared his unfathomable dismay to the high heavens as a burst of ice-cold water from the hose blasted out and caught him full force upon the face.

As the imaginary rabbit quickly became thoroughly drenched from floppy ears to cottontail by the incessant stream, the sounds of near-hysterical laughter rang out loud and clear from outside as the still-unknown rapscallion relished in their sweet victory.

"Oh for the love of everything that is holy!" Mr. Herriman exclaimed furiously as he struggled in vain to block up the hose and shove it back outside, soaking himself even further in the futile process. "You black-hearted devil! Slimy scoundrel! Wretched spawn of Satan! That's it! That's _IT_! You've just sighed your death warrant, do you hear me? I swear, no one will be able to look at your remains without bursting into tears when they see what I've done to you! Is that what you want? Is it?"

As horrendous as the harsh intimidation was, the devious chuckling from outside told the infuriated imaginary friend that it had absolutely no effect, as the scamp enjoyed their bit of cruel fun for all it was worth.

"Open up this door, _NOW_! You hear me? Oooooh, and don't think I don't know who this is! I know for a fact that there's only _one_ soul that who'd be so cold-hearted and callous as to pull off so heinous an act, and just as soon as Master Mac finds out about this-"

His tormentor's raucous peals of laughter seemed to increase tenfold at this, followed by the defiant cry of,

"Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try it!"

Unfortunately, had Mr. Herriman been in a calmer state of mind, he would've easily realizedthat the impudent taunt was quite clearly nothing more than a poor imitation of a certain imaginary friend, or at least he would've recognized the flash of scarlet through the latrine's crescent window. Alas, hewas far beyond the ability to reason at all at this point, and erupted into a full-blown fury of the likes few had ever seen.

"I knew it! I _knew_ it! I _KNEW_ it! You awful azure ruffian, you'll pay for this! I'll chase you down to the ends of the earth and make sure you get what's coming to you if it's the last thing I do, you hear me? _YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS_! _AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHH_!"

* * *

Confused by the hideous clamor he suddenly heard, a certain little imaginary blob curiously peeked out from the open third floor window down at the small outhouse below. Much to his surprise, the small structure rattled so violently and echoed with such a horrible racket from within the entire thing looked like it was about to explode. 

As the latrine's sole occupant let loose with another lung bursting yell, Bloo grimaced in disgust and hastily scooted off, shuddering with revulsion.

"Yikes! What'd _he_ have to eat last night?"

* * *

As expected, the sudden clamor cause by the front doors being hastily slammed shut thoroughly startled both Mac and Goo, rudely interrupting their friendly game of checkers. However, the minor shock they received from this absolutely paled in comparison to the overwhelming confusion the duo experienced upon seeing an extremely giggly redhead suddenly skid to a halt in the living room doorway. 

"H-hey, guys?" Frankie struggled to inquire softly as she fidgeted about, doing a rather poor job of stifling the snatches of laughter that she couldn't help but emanate every few seconds or so, while all the while she looked as conspicuously jubilant as a toddler that had successfully snuck a cookie from the cookie jar.

"Um…yeah?" Mac managed to reply, eyeing the slightly disturbingly gleeful caretaker a bit warily. It was extraordinarily difficult to figure out what was going on, but the redhead's colossal grin made it clear that whatever just happened, she was _tremendously_ pleased with herself. Frankie paused for a few moments to cover her mouth and try and muffle a devious snigger before continuing.

"Could….c-could you g-guys…if Mr. Herriman asks, c-could you tell him I-I've been dusting out the library for the last half-hour?" she managed to ask between a few uncontrollable bouts of mischievous snickering.

"Wait, wait!" Goo instinctively protested, looking extremely puzzled by the peculiar request. "But Frankie, weren't you just _outside_ right now? Yeah, I mean, how can you tell us to say you were up in the library when you were runnin' around outside? Maybe we _could_ try and say you were in the outside library, but _that_ wouldn't make sense 'cuz why would you keep all your books outside when they'd get rained and snowed on and stuff, it's just common sense to keep them inside, so it wouldn't make a lotta sense if-"

"_Please_?" Frankie pleaded, clasping her hands together and glaring imploringly into their eyes. "If the rabbit asks, could you guys please just-"

"Yeah, but-" Goo tried to protest once more before the young woman hastily cut her off.

"C'mon guys, just this once!" Frankie begged, looking unusually eager to flee upstairs by the way she had begun to bounce about nervously.

"Look, look, how about this? Later, I'll bake you two a nice, big pan of brownies, and-"

"Hey, hey, hey! Frankie, you don't need to _bribe_ us!" Mac argued as he finally relented, "I mean, yeah, I guess we could do it, but….but…"

"Thanks, I owe you two!" the young woman squealed joyously.

Immediately Frankie shot off upstairs like a rocket, finally losing all self-control and breaking out into a colossal bout hysterical laughter as she raced off. However, she had exited the pair's presence for only a second before she promptly stuck her head back in, chuckling mischievously.

"Oh, and if you guys see Bloo at all…."

"Yeah…" the two chorused in unified befuddlement.

"Tell him that he might want to lay low for a few hours, okay?" the young woman asked with a most fiendish grin adorning her features, followed by a sly wink.

Before the pair could utter a single word the crafty caretaker again bolted off upstairs, whooping victoriously all the while as she hastily vacated the scene.

As the caretaker's jubilant cries continued to reverberate faintly about the hallways, the sorely perplexed little ones couldn't help but listen in dead silence as they shot each other a few flabbergasted glances.

"…Do you think we missed out on something here?" Goo finally spoke up, scratching her head as she tried to deal with her immense befuddlement. Mac just elicited a long, painful sigh as without a word he gently scooped up the checkerboard, pieces and all, and began to make a direct beeline for the basement.

"I don't know anything except something tells we'll be a _lot_ better off if we don't stick around to find out..."

**The End**

* * *

Yes, oddly enough, Foster's does have at least one latrine, at least according to the scene in "Busted" where Frankie's changing the toilet paper in it.

A big thanks to all those who took the time to read! All feedback is welcome!


End file.
